How to Befriend Crows and Turn Them Against Your Enemies

A few months ago, I endeavored to imprint myself onto a bunch of ducks so they’d think I was their mother. It wasn’t great. All the ducks did was crap all over my house, and, my god, the constant quacking. So I’m moving onto crows. Instead of a gaggle of stupid ducklings following me around, I’m going to have a ton of…