My oldest son was sobbing uncontrollably. His teacher told us this might happen—the health of Little Lou, the class' pet lizard, had quickly taken a turn for the worse; Little Lou would likely leave this mortal coil within a day or two. The entire class was obviously shocked and devastated.
This moment was my son's first real introduction to grief, and I wasn't sure what to say or do to help him navigate the flood of feelings and process the moment. According to Florence Soares-Dabalos, MS, LMFT, Client Support and Wellness Professional for Wm R. Pritchard Veterinary Medical Teaching Hospital at the University of California - Davis, we can start by listening to our kids when they're ready to discuss what happened. "Kids just need to know that it's okay to feel whatever they're going to feel," Soares-Dabalo says.
There are other ways we can help children navigate through the grief of losing a pet, whether it be a class pet or your family's.
Keep things simple
The loss of a pet can be sad, shocking, and surprising, and many young children are at an age where the concept of death might still be abstract. Discussing such a complex topic can feel daunting to parents, but keeping things simple and recognizing the importance of the child's relationship with the pet is the best way to start.
"[Kids] are pretty good with just the basics and a validation of their feelings," says Soares-Dabalo.
There are certain terms to use and some to avoid
When discussing a pet's death, you should explain what happened using simple but direct terms. Soares-Dabalo recommends telling your child that you're "saying goodbye" to their friend, that "their bodies have stopped working," or that they are "not going to come back."
There are also some terms to avoid. If a pet had to be put down, Soares-Dabalo advises avoiding "euthanization" or "put to sleep."
"That can create some fear and anxiety for a child," she explains. "They don't have the abstract thought to understand that 'going to sleep' might be used differently."
Follow your child's lead
Soares-Dabalo recalls a story of a parent who was concerned about her daughter after the death of their rabbit. When she met with the daughter, she showed Soares-Dabalo pictures she drew of the bunny and held a memorial for the pet, showing Soares-Dabalo that she was working through her grief and taking care of herself.
"Some children don't want to talk. Some children need to play. Some children need to do artwork," Soares-Dabalo explains. "Sometimes, it's really okay to follow the child's lead regarding their feelings and just keep that door open to have that conversation."
You should also follow your child's lead when possibly replacing the pet. They may show you they're ready by talking about having one.
"Each parent needs to gauge that in their own child but leave the door open and then let the child decide when they're ready," adds Soares-Dabalo.
Discuss how you're feeling
A child may be looking for some validation for their sadness. A pet is part of the family, and while you might not be showing your grief the same way as your kid, don't be afraid to share how you're feeling with them.
"It feels good to know that other people are feeling the loss and that we're not alone," says Soares-Dabalo.
Talk with their teacher or a professional
Soares-Dabalo mentions that there can be times when children regress and start throwing temper tantrums, wetting their beds, or becoming less engaged in the classroom, which can impact their grades. This behavior can stem from kids dealing with their grief over the loss of their pet. She recommends keeping the lines of communication open with their teacher and consulting with a therapist if things don't improve.
Memorialize the pet
A week after Little Lou died, my son's class held a memorial for him. They brought the lizard's favorite food (almonds), and each took turns sharing memories of their friend. A ceremony to honor a pet can help normalize death, give children a space to talk about their grief, and show them how to cope, but it can also provide them with a sense of closure.
"Ritual is important," says Soares-Dabalo. "It allows us to really see that death is a part of life and, while it doesn't feel good to feel sad and cry all the time, we can maneuver through it."
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